Total Perspective Vortex

I have a problem.

slaughterhousefive:

An actual verbatim list (in order) of things Charlynn said in her sleep last night:

• “Share!” Me: Share what? ”Your halloween candy.”

• “Bring me a unicorn.” Me: What do you need a unicorn for? ”For racing the frogs. Only the frogs in suspenders though. I don’t trust frogs with no pants.”
• “Bring me my masseuse! Why is my masseuse so tiny? I don’t want a midget touching me.”
• “Can nobody play the banjo?”
• “We should talk about the royal gravy. It’s too thick.”
• “Let’s go on vacation. To the moon. I’d like you to invite Sasquatch and Justin Bieber and That’s So Raven and Nicolas Cage. So we have someone to feel bad for. Are the rocks on the moon hard or soft? I just want to throw a bunch of rocks at Nicolas Cage. They won’t hurt that bad because of the gravity. I bet he doesn’t like cereal.”
• “Do they make really tiny squids? I want really tiny squids for earrings. You have to get them face masks, with water in them, so they can breathe. Wait, get baby octopuses. De-beak them. Can octopuses grow feathers? They’d be scary if they flied.” Me: Flew? “That too. They’d fly up in the air and then come down and suck on your head.”
• “I don’t want anything sucking on my head. Not even a vacuum. Not that I’m racist.”
• “I’m going to sleep. Bring me some cottage cheese in the morning. Minus the cheese. Bring me a cottage.” (at which point she actually stopped talking)

Is it really procrastinating if I’m accomplishing something important, like catching legendary Pokèmon?

I’m going to make a list of things I’ve accomplished so that I feel better about going to sleep at 4am and leaving the rest of my work for tomorrow between classes:

1. In fourth grade I became a ‘special helper’. We wore these nifty bracelets and didn’t need hall passes and I don’t think we had any particular duties other than having occasional ice cream parties.

2. In the fifth grade I joined the interpretive dance body socks team. We danced to Turn, Turn, Turn by The Byrds in front of the whole school. 

3. I started my middle school band teacher’s collection of casts. Mine was purple and everyone signed it in silver sharpie because goddamn silver sharpies were the coolest ever in middle school.

4. I once drank an entire pitcher of green Kool-aid in one sitting. My best friend helped by refilling the glass. 

5. I helped my grandpa shoot a wild russian boar when I was like.. six. I still have the ivory tusks as evidence.

6. One year for Halloween I fabricated a Moose costume. I’ve also created Cousin It and Pippi Longstockings costumes. 

I can’t come up with more than six accomplishments.